I’m a very judgemental person.
I’m not sure if it’s a case of having a big ego or just a need to feel like I’m doing better than other people to cover up my own insecurities, but I’ve realised that I’m judging myself in comparison to others all the time.
I know this is an unhealthy thing to do, and it will never make me happy.
Thing is, I thought it was. I thought I was doing great. I was earning well. I was in a good relationship whilst it stayed good, and I had the courage to leave when it wasn’t any more. I read intelligent articles on the internet. I subscribe to all the coolest newsletters, and listen to all the best podcasts. At the start of 2020, I went part time at my job in what I told myself would be an attempt to get my dream of being a film writer off the ground.
It turns out that there’s nothing like a global pandemic and having endless stretches of time at home to get you contemplating your life choices. I’ve spent the last couple of days in the midst of an existential crisis. I know I’m probably not alone in that, given the state of the planet. I also acknowledge there’s a huge amount of privilege in having this much time to think, when there’s others who have barely stopped in the past few weeks because they’re working hard to keep our country running.
But this feels like a reckoning. The type of reckoning you have in your late 20s that people vaguely warn you about in a half-arsed way but never really go into detail about, and so you don’t take it all that seriously, but then it’s here and your mind is racing and your heart is pounding and your whole life feels like a waste and you can’t get out of bed.
I never believed in the idea that school is the best time of your life. But succeeding was so much easier back then. Exams, coursework, assessments - I’ve got that shit down. You were told what to think and when to think it and all you had to do was remember and explain it properly and, ta dah! Grade As all round! Now I’m craving a curriculum, a set path to walk down, a place to be each day without question. I’m craving an end of year test, for me to show off all I’ve learnt and be rewarded for it. I’m craving an environment that forces other people to be your friend; to talk to you and sit with you at lunch and invite you to their parties.
The rug has been pulled, and I’ve been very slow to catch on. For my whole twenties I’ve been mired in indecision and an inability to commit; nearly a decade of itchy feet. I’ve been too busy asking myself, ‘is this it?’, and trying to find what ‘it’ is, that I haven’t built any kind of foundation. A safety net never made it on to my to-do list. Maybe I just always had faith that I’d catch myself, but time is ticking on and I’m still continuing to fall.
Everyone around me is getting engaged, buying a house, having babies. Building a life far more realised than mine because years ago, they decided on a plan and they fucking stuck to it. I used to judge some of them for what I thought was ‘settling’. But isn’t settled kind of the nicest feeling? A lasting contentment, rather than non-stop uncertainty? It’s possible that the ~highlight reel~ of social media is giving me this picturesque illusion of my peers, but even highlights are indicative. What are my highlights? The lad I used to fancy watching my Instagram stories? My latest piece of writing getting two more retweets than normal? Managing to get through a whole day without crying from overwhelm?
I’m a very judgemental person, but I have been humbled. Up until now, I thought I was the winner in this game we call life. The cleverest, the most enlightened. The world coming to an abrupt halt has been a wake up call for me. Do I really want it to start turning again, if it means going back to how things were?
What’s dawning on me now is - am I the loser? Aged 27 with no savings, no love life, and no real plan for the future - am I the one people look at to feel better about themselves? The one they think, ‘it could be worse, I could be her’?
I’m pretty sure I don’t actually want a lot of the traditional markers of success, of adulthood. I’m pretty sure I don’t want kids. I’m pretty sure I’m not even that fussed about getting married. I’m pretty sure I want to live a life that’s a little out of the ordinary - but that’s hard work. It’s hard to do things on your own, and so if that’s what lies ahead, I need to do better, be better, than this.
Time to stop fucking about. I don’t want to look back on my 40th birthday and be frustrated that I spent another decade waiting for things to be handed to me on a plate.
How did I get here? It doesn’t matter now. It’s where I’m going that counts.
Recommended:
Mae Martin’s Channel 4 show Feel Good. Does what it says on the tin.
I’ve read three books so far in lockdown - the same amount I read in the entirety of 2019. How embarrassing. They were Conversations With Friends, How Do You Like Me Now? and She Found It At The Movies. All brilliant.
Two incredible film writers whose newsletters I’ve been loving - Sophie Monks Kaufman and Hannah Woodhead.
Reply All never fails to make me smile. PJ and Alex are putting out some lovely episodes even during lockdown, and the archive is pure joy.